If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize