i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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