why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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