Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have already put on my inside pants.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
