you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
