Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just threw up on my dentist
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
