Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
