so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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