Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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