Duck Duck Cougar?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
