And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
