Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
40s are totally the cure
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
