I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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