good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
