Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
