the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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