then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
