either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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