It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
