these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
