I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
