I want you more than these girls want KFC
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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