i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
