You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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