Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
