the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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