Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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