I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
