you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
