buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
