I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize