turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
