If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
