at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
