I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Sext me about skeletons
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
