Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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