I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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