no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
