She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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