if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
