Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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