I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
