It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
