Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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