You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize