No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
