when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize