i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
