if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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