Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
