if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
