he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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