Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
