I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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