Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
