I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
