Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
