So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
