oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
