maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
