White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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