So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
