can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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