And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
