my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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