you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
