my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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