Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
