Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
