My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
